Eyes On Absalom
4th Pharast 4720 AR
Where is Archibald Knight? Owner of Menagerie Mysteriously Missing
By the Inquisitive Investigators of Eyes On Absalom
Archibald Knight, the charismatic and slightly eccentric owner of Knight’s Marvellous Menagerie, has gone missing, leaving the citizens of Absalom and his zoo staff in turmoil. Knight, known for his love of exotic beasts and eccentric business practices, reportedly vanished nearly a week ago, leaving his animals, his employees, and a scandalously juicy trail of rumors in his wake.
The Disappearance
Knight was last seen by his employees hurriedly packing up his things before disappearing with Minera Frum, the zoo’s veterinarian, on what has been described by some as a “blanket rodeo.” Sources close to Knight say he left a cryptic note for his wife, which hinted at his departure but provided few actual details.
The timing couldn’t be worse: just days after his disappearance, the animals in the menagerie became rabid and began escaping their enclosures, sparking the chaotic scene that ensued last week. Zoo staff, already stretched thin, were left scrambling to contain the beasts, all while worried about the safety of their enigmatic boss.
Suspicions and Scandal
Some zoo staff suspect foul play. “Mr. Knight would never stay away this long, especially not with his animals on the loose,” said one zookeeper, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He was crazy about them, even the ones no one else could stand. For him to just up and leave? Something’s fishy.”
Others, however, believe that Knight may have taken an impromptu “vacation” with Frum, whose connection to him was described as “complicated.” One staff member confided, “We’re not saying they were ‘close,’ but let’s just say there was a lot of ‘veterinary consulting’ happening behind closed doors. If they’re off on some romantic getaway, it’s more Mr. Knight’s style than anyone would guess.”
Impact on the Menagerie
Knight’s sudden departure has thrown his beloved menagerie into turmoil. Animal caretakers have struggled to cope with the sudden rabid behavior of the menagerie’s residents, some of whom had to be subdued by the bumbling but well-meaning Agents of Edgewatch (see yesterday’s article on their “investigation”). Some animals were even found foaming at the mouth—a detail that has puzzled experts and left employees nervous.
Authorities Weigh In
So far, the Edgewatch has yet to launch a formal investigation into Knight’s disappearance, citing a lack of evidence to indicate foul play. “We’re concerned, but without a clear sign of danger, we can’t devote resources to a missing person who may not be in danger,” said an Edgewatch spokesperson. However, officials are urging anyone with information to come forward.
Could Knight be in hiding? Has he fallen victim to a jealous rival? Or is he simply living it up in a far-off hideaway with a certain “lady friend”? Until Knight resurfaces or until new clues emerge, the mystery remains unsolved. One thing is certain, though—Absalom is watching.
Agents of Edgewatch or Keystone Kops? Menagerie Mayhem Leads to Hilarious Hijinks!
By Our Ever-Vigilant Reporters at Eyes On Absalom
Yesterday, a routine check at Knight’s Marvellous Menagerie turned into a display of utter chaos as the fledgling Agents of Edgewatch bungled their way through a zoo-wide animal escape. Local citizens who were present at the scene described the newly recruited agents as “well-meaning but clueless,” “bravely ridiculous,” and “like watching a circus try to arrest itself.”
The all-star lineup included Cole Umburo, a so-called “investigator” who apparently believes the best way to trap an Owlbear is to throw a glue bomb at the floor; Catis, a self-styled “swashbuckler” who could barely swing a rapier without tripping over herself; Glum, a Goblin fighter with a penchant for getting impaled; and Arrem Kyndari, a cleric who was last seen hastily praying to Abadar to “smite this whole zoo fiasco from memory.”
The "Investigation"
The agents were tasked with investigating a mysterious outbreak of rabid animal behavior at the menagerie, but witnesses say they mostly spent their time arguing with each other and interviewing a grumpy zookeeper named Remy. He informed them that the menagerie’s owner, Archibald Knight, was MIA, allegedly off on a “blanket rodeo” with the zoo veterinarian. Instead of focusing on the escaped animals, the agents seemed more interested in this juicy gossip, with one overheard saying, “Who needs to solve crimes when we’ve got a scandal?”
Hyenas, Almiraj, and "That Bastard"
Despite the animals being visibly rabid, the agents were reportedly “taken by surprise” when two foaming-at-the-mouth hyenas lunged out of a concession stand. Even after dispatching the hyenas, they seemed more intent on examining the foam than questioning why it was even there.
It was around this point that the agents decided to break into Archibald Knight’s private caravan, apparently thinking it was a sensible way to “gather evidence.” What they found inside—a note to Knight’s wife—was hardly relevant to the job at hand, yet the agents seemed positively enthralled, as if they’d uncovered the secret to stopping a goblin invasion.
Later, the team encountered a furious Almiraj (imagine a vicious unicorn bunny) and something called “That Bastard,” a giant insectoid Ankhrav whose one mission seemed to be making the agents look even more inept. Though slowed down with a dart, the beast nearly trampled half the team, prompting Glum to shriek, “This wasn’t in the training manual!”
Enter the Owlbear
Finally, the agents made it to the last creature: an Owlbear, ominously foaming at the mouth and camped out in a local grocery store. Their tactical genius shone through when Cole decided to use his “special glue bomb” to incapacitate the Owlbear. Unfortunately, this expert “throw” ended with the glue covering the floor instead. And yet, in a miraculous turn of events, they managed to lure the creature onto the glue patch, partially sticking it, which, according to one bystander, was “about as close to competent as they got.”
As a finishing touch, the grocery store owner ran over to thank the agents, inexplicably kissing Glum on the head. The Goblin blushed bright green, then muttered something about “risk compensation” and immediately asked if he’d get hazard pay.
The Verdict?
After a display of mishaps, poor planning, and questionable interrogation tactics, the Edgewatch team managed to round up the animals with minimal property damage. But as far as investigative work goes, Absalom’s citizens are left wondering if these agents could tell a clue from a can of beans. As Remy the zookeeper put it, “If this is the city’s best defense, I’d start praying to every god in Golarion.”
Stay tuned for updates, gossip, and the latest adventures of the Edgewatch’s “finest.”
Secrets Beneath the Streets: The House of the Planes Revealed!
By Lirana "Quick-Quill" Yoren
Whispers and rumors from Absalom’s underbelly are drawing Eyes On Absalom’s attention to a new sensation that’s reportedly more sizzling than a salamander in a sauna—the House of the Planes, a subterranean speakeasy known for its... let’s call them “theatrical” delights. Tucked away in a shadowy corner of our fair city, this so-called club is fast becoming a playground for Absalom’s wealthiest (and most mischievous) denizens, with everything from masked encounters to "judgmental" roasts rumored to unfold behind its locked doors.
This isn’t your typical establishment, dear readers! Jeremin Hoff, the enigmatic figure running the show, has crafted each room to mimic the exotic realms of the Outer Planes. From celestial lights to devilish delights, the House of the Planes promises a “journey across realms” that some suggest pushes the boundaries of polite society—and then gleefully dances right over them. One guest, eager to spill the beans after perhaps one too many elixirs, claims each room is curated to “awaken the soul.” But the real question on our minds: what else is it awakening?
And what of the guests themselves? Insiders tell us that the House draws both thrill-seeking nobles and more nefarious sorts from Absalom’s underworld. Our source—who shall remain anonymous, of course—claims to have glimpsed powerful criminal elites “relaxing” with courtiers from high society, mingling in ways that can only be described as… otherworldly. Bodyguards, adorned in masks resembling fiendish and angelic beings, stand watch to ensure the patrons’ pleasures remain private. Or do they?
Could it be that the House of the Planes is not only pushing moral boundaries but testing the patience of Absalom’s laws? Are our city’s best and brightest mingling in rooms where the lights are low, masks are high, and discretion is a whispered promise?
Eyes On Absalom has reached out to Jeremin Hoff for a comment, but thus far, we’ve received no response. What’s clear is that the House of the Planes continues to captivate—and perhaps compromise—our city’s finest. But rest assured, dear readers, we’ll keep our eyes wide open.