Eyes On Absalom

An Edgewatch Recipe for Disaster

According to eyewitnesses (and the thick, greasy plume of smoke still hovering over the market), the heroes made their dramatic entrance just as Pemlo, owner of the Flaming Goblin Grill, tossed a fire bomb at his rival’s stall, Everything Fried. Catis, one of our rookie “guardians,” bravely—or foolishly—attempted to arrest the fiery goblin chef, while his compatriot Cole Umburo positioned himself in front of Pemlo’s stall. It’s unclear what Umburo’s plan was, but it became apparent that standing between two feuding goblins was perhaps not the brightest of strategies.

Grunka, not one to back down from a challenge (or perhaps not realizing that the Edgewatch were trying to help), retaliated in classic goblin fashion—by flinging a vial of Lesser Alchemist's Fire at the nearest target: Cole. Yes, that’s right, dear readers. A member of the Edgewatch, armed with only his wits and a questionable coat, was promptly set on fire. Unsurprisingly, Umburo then had to spend the next several moments frantically rolling on the ground to extinguish himself while the situation continued to spiral out of control.

Goblin Jail: Fact or Fiction?

Now, one might expect the Edgewatch to bring in some measure of authority to manage the chaos, but no—enter Glum, the squad’s most timid member. Displaying all the confidence of a quaking leaf, Glum managed to frighten Pemlo into submission with a wild story about a “Goblin Jail” in Absalom. According to this tale, the jail is some sort of goblin culinary nightmare where unruly chefs are sent to cook for eternity (and not the tasty kind).

And what’s truly astounding? Pemlo believed him. Yes, you read that right—Glum, armed with nothing but his imagination, convinced one of the city’s most notorious goblin troublemakers that this imaginary institution existed. If the Edgewatch has nothing else going for them, they certainly have a knack for making up stories!

Clearing Civilians... and Common Sense

As Cole extinguished himself (leaving behind a smell that Everything Fried would envy), Catis and the rest of the team finally focused on the more immediate issue: the barrels of oil at Grunka’s stall that were moments away from detonating. In a frantic rush, the Edgewatch members scrambled to clear civilians from the area—a commendable action, to be sure. But one has to wonder why they didn’t focus on stopping the feuding goblins in the first place before it escalated into a literal firestorm.

After a valiant yet disorganized effort, the barrels indeed exploded, sending a plume of thick, greasy smoke billowing into the sky. Fortunately, no civilians were harmed—unless you count the few who tripped over the heroes’ flailing limbs during the evacuation. The explosion did, however, leave a section of the marketplace looking like a goblin barbecue gone horribly wrong. Cleanup crews have already been seen shaking their heads and muttering about the rookie squad’s “help.”

Two Goblins, One Imaginary Jail

In a twist that could only happen in Absalom, both Pemlo and Grunka were arrested, each still loudly arguing over who would become the lead chef at Glum’s fictional Goblin Jail. It seems that the Edgewatch has managed to turn a routine food fight into a full-scale debate over imaginary culinary hierarchies—an impressive feat, if nothing else.

So, to our readers: if you happen to visit the Radiant Festival, and you find yourself near a goblin stall, do yourself a favor—keep an eye on your food, but an even closer eye on the Edgewatch. They might just be the ones turning up the heat.

Eyes on Absalom: Keeping our watch on the Edgewatch, so you don’t have to.

Arrem Tries to Be Reasonable (And Fails)

In an attempt to bring some sense to the madness, Arrem Kyndari, the squad’s cleric and devout follower of Abadar, took a different approach. Spotting Antaro, a worshipper of Cayden Cailean among the rowdy crowd, Arrem attempted a peaceful intervention. He tried to remind Antaro of Cayden’s teachings—basically, “drink, but don’t throw punches.”

Now, full credit to Arrem: Antaro did stay calm throughout the brawl. But considering Antaro’s apparent state of blissful inebriation, we’re not convinced it was the cleric’s diplomacy and not the pint-sized kegs he’d been downing that kept him out of trouble. Nice try, Arrem, but we’ll chalk this one up to dumb luck and high alcohol tolerance.

Catis Tries to Arrest a Drunk. Chaos Ensues.

And then there was Catis, our sword-swinging, swashbuckling hero, who thought he could restore order by arresting Skebs, one of the more belligerent patrons. Because, you know, arresting a drunk patron in a bar always goes well. Shockingly, Skebs wasn’t too keen on being dragged off by the Edgewatch, and his friends—Bolar and Miriel—weren’t having any of it either.

Before you could say “tavern brawl,” fists were flying, and Catis and his squad found themselves in the middle of a mess that they arguably started. Glum, showing rare wisdom, tried to back away, but when the chaos erupted, he leapt back in, proving that sometimes the bravest move is knowing when to run—and sometimes it’s just flailing wildly.

A ‘Successful’ Arrest (Depending on Your Definition)

In the end, the Edgewatch rookies did manage to subdue their new friends. Cole knocked out Bolar and cuffed him, while Catis and Glum wrestled Skebs into submission. Miriel, seeing that her companions were outmatched (and probably wondering why she even bothered), decided to surrender rather than get into a tussle with a goblin-throwing, pint-slinging squad of rookies.

With Skebs and Bolar in custody, the rookies exited the Tipsy Tengu with a pair of arrests under their belts. The remaining patrons, now free from the watchful eyes of the Edgewatch, wisely returned to their revelry. Antaro, meanwhile, gave a lazy wave to Arrem before ordering another round, undeterred by the evening’s events.

So, What’s the Verdict?

Well, citizens, if you were hoping the rookies of the Edgewatch would restore peace and order to Absalom’s taverns, you might want to set your expectations a little lower—like, “as low as a flying goblin.” Last night’s display of "law enforcement" might have looked more like slapstick comedy, but hey, at least they managed to arrest someone. And if all else fails, at least they’ve found a niche talent: tavern entertainment.

Next time you visit the Tipsy Tengu, remember—it's not the drinks you have to watch out for; it's the Edgewatch rookies turning your quiet night into a full-blown brawl. But as always, Eyes on Absalom will be here, ready to bring you the full, unvarnished story.

Hold onto your hats, Absalom, because the biggest event of the year is upon us! No, it’s not the Radiant Festival or the Ascendant Court’s latest attempt to organize a “Peaceful Parade”—it’s the much-anticipated Badger Athletics Championship! That’s right, folks, once again the city will gather to watch as our local athletes and their four-legged fury friends compete for glory, bragging rights, and the prestigious title of Top Badger.

If you thought badgers were just adorable, hole-digging creatures, prepare to have your world turned upside down. This event has claws, and it’s ready to dig its way into the history books (or at least the tavern gossip for the next few weeks).

The Events: More Than Just Digging Holes

The championship features a variety of thrilling events designed to test both the badgers’ athleticism and the participants’ questionable judgment. The headline events this year include:

• The Tunnel Tumble: Watch as badgers and their human handlers race through a series of winding tunnels. It’s a test of speed, agility, and whether or not your badger remembers who’s in charge.

• The Burrow Brawl: Think wrestling, but with more fur, claws, and the occasional burrowing into the opponent’s team’s trench. You’d be surprised how many tactics you can learn from a badger’s squabble!

• Honey Seek & Sneak: Can your badger sniff out the honey pots hidden in the arena while avoiding the traps set by rival trainers? This event separates the true champions from the overly curious ones who get stuck halfway through a honey jug.

• The “What’s That Smell?” Challenge: The most popular event for the spectators (and the most dreaded by participants), where badgers compete to identify and chase down the source of various city smells. Word on the street is that last year’s “Fish Market Disaster” aroma will make a comeback!

The Competitors: Fur, Fury, and Ferocity

This year’s lineup is shaping up to be fiercer than ever! Defending champion, Burrowin’ Boris, and his handler Ralf Greenthumb return, hoping to keep the title and secure their names in the annals of badger history. But challengers are closing in, including Shadowpaw, the notorious tunnel digger who’s been training in the sewers (much to the chagrin of Absalom’s sanitation workers).

Also making headlines is the unexpected entry of Lady Claws-a-lot, whose trainer insists she’s the “gentlewoman’s badger,” claiming her precision digging techniques are unmatched. We’ll see if her refined claws can outdo the rough-and-tumble badgers of the Eastern Docks—those lads play for keeps.

Training Drama: What You Didn’t Know About Badger Athletes

But no championship is complete without its fair share of controversy, and this year is no different. Rumors have already begun swirling about some less-than-savory training practices. Reports suggest certain trainers have been spiking honey treats with extra incentives (we’re talking catnip, folks) to get their badgers in the zone. While the Badger Athletics Association claims it has all trainers under watchful eyes, let’s be honest—if you can’t trust a honey dealer in the Puddles, who can you trust?

Additionally, a few competitors have filed formal complaints against Madam Snarls, claiming she’s been “poking her nose” into rival training camps. Her trainer insists it’s all part of her “competitive spirit,” but some suspect espionage. One handler told us, “Look, it’s one thing to sniff out the competition; it’s another to steal their digging gloves!”

Spectator Advice: What to Expect (and Avoid) on Game Day

If you’re planning to attend, be prepared for a spectacle! The event will take place in the Burrow Grounds (formerly known as Market Square—before the badgers got to it). Vendors will be offering all the classic Badger Championship snacks: honey-glazed nuts, root beer floats (the official drink of the championship), and, of course, badger-shaped pastries. But be warned—those burrowing pies look cute, but they pack a punch (and a filling that stains)!

For the best viewing spots, arrive early and set up near the Tunnel Tumble lanes—but not too close unless you’re prepared for a face full of dirt and badger enthusiasm. And a word of caution: steer clear of the Honey Seek & Sneak arena unless you want to be mistaken for a honey pot—last year’s honey mishap is a sticky memory no one wants to repeat.

The Real Winners: Absalom’s Healers and Repair Crews

Of course, while we cheer on our brave competitors, let’s not forget the true heroes of this championship—the city’s healers and repair crews, who’ll be on standby. From patching up claw wounds to filling in “enthusiastic” digging holes, they’re the ones who keep this beloved event running smoothly (or as smoothly as it can when badgers are involved).

So, sharpen your claws and grab your honey jugs, Absalom, because the Badger Athletics Championship is here to remind us all that sportsmanship, determination, and the occasional honey theft are alive and well in our fair city. May the best badger (and most resilient trainer) win!