Eyes On Absalom

Picture courtesy of the fire imps from the Precipice Quarter

Undead Infestation in Precipice Quarter: Is the Radiant Festival DOOMED?

Absalom’s glittering Radiant Festival may be facing an undead crisis! Reports are flooding in from the Precipice Quarter of shambling corpses and ghostly figures lurking in the shadows. Just weeks before the festival, sources claim the Quarter is crawling with the walking dead!

One terrified resident described the scene: "I saw a zombie dragging itself through the streets, and no one’s doing anything! How are we supposed to celebrate with skeletons crashing the party?"

Are Absalom's defenses crumbling? Has the Radiant Festival become a target for dark forces? The Edgewatch remains tight-lipped, but speculation is mounting. Some fear that the festival may become the Grim Harvest if these nightmarish fiends aren’t dealt with swiftly.

Rumors of ancient curses and necromantic plots swirl—has the Council been compromised? Is the festival an elaborate trap to summon more undead? Or worse, is someone in power using the festival as cover for their own dark magic?

One thing is clear: the people of Absalom are frightened, and unless something is done, the only fireworks at this year’s festival may be the sight of flaming zombies!

— Eyes on Absalom, your source for the truth behind the tomb!

Scandal at City Hall: Edgewatch or Edge of Tyranny?

In a shocking move that has left many Absalom citizens fuming, the city’s so-called elite have unveiled their latest scheme for control—a new police unit, the Edgewatch. Tasked with protecting the Radiant Festival, this squad of fresh-faced recruits seems like little more than the tool of an oppressive regime. But, dear readers, is there something far more sinister afoot?

Sources close to City Hall suggest that the Edgewatch might be stepping far beyond its initial mandate. Some have even whispered that this shiny new police force may be quietly positioned to undermine Eroden’s sacred laws—particularly the right to a jury trial. Yes, you heard it here first: some believe the Edgewatch could be poised to execute swift, unilateral “justice” with no regard for the legal process! Can we really trust a bunch of rookies—many of whom are still learning which end of the sword is up—to safeguard our centuries-old traditions?

Several legal experts we consulted claim that the formation of such a unit without clear checks and balances could open the door to rampant abuse of power. With fewer trials, who will stand between the citizens of Absalom and unjust punishment? Will we see the Edgewatch dragging people from their homes in the dead of night, never to be heard from again? While no formal cases have arisen yet, the rumors abound—especially in the wake of reports that some of these recruits have been given special “off the books” training in techniques that would send chills down the spines of our most esteemed magistrates.

And what about the racy whispers now circulating within the hallowed halls of the High Council? Some sources suggest the sudden formation of the Edgewatch wasn’t born solely from security concerns, but from a secretive rendezvous between certain high-ranking officials! Who, exactly? We wouldn’t dare reveal names without further evidence, but let’s just say these two influential figures aren’t exactly strangers to late-night meetings behind closed doors. If a certain (interim) Primarch and a particular council member were involved in something more than just legislative matters, could their personal affairs be guiding the creation of this potentially dangerous police force?

Of course, the official line remains pristine: “The Edgewatch is here to ensure the safety of the city during the festival.” But with mounting concerns over this unit’s real purpose, can we afford to take these reassurances at face value?

As citizens of Absalom, we must stay vigilant. The power to arrest and detain, even temporarily, is not a privilege to be handed out lightly, especially when whispers of conspiracy and scandal waft through City Hall. If this continues unchecked, how long before our cherished laws and customs—such as the right to a trial by jury—are quietly swept aside? And who stands to benefit from this erosion of justice? The people of Absalom deserve answers... and we won’t rest until we get them.

Stay tuned, readers, for more updates on this developing scandal. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire—and this one’s burning hot!

— Eyes on Absalom Exclusive.

Primarch Still Missing! Absalom in Chaos!

Absalom is still in shock after the sudden and inexplicable disappearance of its most powerful leader, Primarch Lord Gyr of House Gixx many months ago. The mysterious vanishing act has left the city reeling, with no official statement from the High Council beyond the usual “we are investigating.” But we at Eyes on Absalom are not so easily placated! What really happened to the city’s top figure? The rumors and conspiracy theories flying through the streets are too juicy to ignore—and we’ve got them all right here!

Theory #1: Abducted by Shadowy Cabals?

Whispers from the dark corners of Absalom suggest that Lord Gyr might have fallen victim to a sinister cabal that operates within the city’s very own walls. Some claim that a shadow government made up of ancient and powerful aristocrats has long been pulling the strings, and they finally decided Lord Gyr was becoming too much of a liability. Could this be a coup in disguise? If true, who will be the next puppet leader in their malevolent hands? Some even point to a secret sect within the Starwatch, claiming they’ve been plotting this for years.

Theory #2: Fled with a Lover?

Hold onto your hats, dear readers! Could the Primarch have abandoned his duties not out of fear, but out of passion? Several unnamed sources claim that Gyr was recently seen in secret rendezvous with a mysterious, cloaked figure late at night. Some are suggesting that the powerful lord may have been whisked away by a lover to parts unknown—leaving the city to fend for itself! The Eyes on Absalom staff are working round the clock to uncover who this secret lover might be. A rival Primarch? A powerful wizard? A scandalous entanglement with an Edgewatch officer? The possibilities are endless—and salacious!

Theory #3: Kidnapped by Demons from the Mwangi Expanse?

Buckle up for this wild theory: some citizens are speculating that the Primarch’s disappearance is not of this world at all. Rumor has it that Lord Gyr might have been kidnapped by demons from the Mwangi Expanse! Several eyewitnesses claim they saw strange, otherworldly creatures stalking the streets near the Primarch’s residence days before his disappearance. Could this be a plot from dark forces seeking to undermine Absalom’s defenses? And why the Mwangi Expanse? Some say Lord Gyr had ancient dealings with demonic forces that have finally caught up with him.

Theory #4: Turned into a Giant Statue?!

Absurd, you say? Not for the regulars down at the Broken Barrel Tavern, who claim that the Primarch has been magically petrified and transformed into a stone statue! They point to a new, life-sized statue that appeared in the Ascendant Court overnight—bearing a suspicious resemblance to Lord Gyr. Could this be the work of a vengeful sorcerer or a rival Primarch? Perhaps a deal gone bad in the underbelly of Absalom’s arcane community? We’ll let you decide, but it’s a fact that no one has seen the Primarch or the artist who supposedly created this strange new monument.

Theory #5: Time Travel Shenanigans

Yes, folks, time travel. Because why not? Some of the more eccentric thinkers in the Ivy District are convinced that the Primarch has been pulled through time by an unknown force! According to this theory, a temporal rift opened up right in his office, sending him either far into the past or future. This group cites the “temporal anomalies” reported near the Ascendant Court weeks ago as clear evidence that the Primarch is now lost in time, either trapped with the ancient Azlanti or wandering the distant future where robots rule Golarion!

And Then There’s the Cheliax Connection...

Some conspiracy theorists can’t resist dragging Cheliax into the mix. These sources believe that Lord Gyr has been secretly working for Cheliax for years, and his recent disappearance is just the latest in a long-running scheme to destabilize Absalom from within. Could Chelish agents have finally taken him back to face punishment for failing them? Or is Lord Gyr plotting from the shadows, preparing to return and establish a new Cheliax-controlled regime? Our sources claim Cheliax’s spies have been unusually quiet lately—too quiet.

With theories ranging from the plausible to the utterly preposterous, one thing is certain: Absalom is in crisis, and without its Primarch, chaos is sure to follow. Whether abducted by demons, swept away by time, or turned into a monument of stone, the fate of Lord Gyr remains an enigma. But rest assured, dear readers—we won’t stop digging until we uncover the truth. And whatever it is, it’s bound to rock the foundations of this city.

Stay tuned for the latest updates, and remember: where there’s smoke, there’s fire!

— Eyes on Absalom Special Report

Lord Gyr Of Gixx, Primarch Of Absalom

Help Wanted: Badger Enthusiast for Tri-Stripe Society!

Position: Junior Badger Wrangler & Professional Snuggle Tester
Location: Absalom, the City Where Everything Happens (Including Badger Shenanigans)
Salary: Paid in badger cuddles (and also gold, probably)

Are you passionate about badgers? Do you dream of spending your days caring for the fluffiest, feistiest critters Absalom has to offer? Then the Tri-Stripe Society is looking for YOU!

We need a Junior Badger Wrangler to help manage our growing population of adorable, semi-trained (read: not at all trained) badgers. Your duties will include everything from feeding and grooming to “heroically retrieving important documents from badger burrows.”

Key Responsibilities:

• Ensuring badgers are well-fed, well-groomed, and well-behaved (good luck with that).

• Organizing weekly badger races and obstacle courses to "burn off steam" (or just watch chaos unfold).

• Becoming best friends with Chesne of Fierce Stripe—because you’ll be seeing a LOT of her.

• Reporting to the High Badger Overlord (aka the Tri-Stripe Society Chair) on all things stripey and adorable.

• Testing new badger-friendly products for snuggle-factor and chew-resistance.

Requirements:

• Must LOVE badgers (or be really good at pretending).

• Ability to handle unexpected badger-related surprises (holes, escape attempts, and the occasional nibble).

• Adventuring skills a plus (badgers can be wily), but not required.

• Must be willing to work outdoors, in tunnels, and potentially in places badgers should not go but will definitely go.

• Fearlessness in the face of badger stink-eye and stubbornness.

Perks:

• Access to exclusive badger-themed fashion (badger-striped cloaks anyone?).

• Free “All-You-Can-Hug” badger therapy.

• Unlimited supply of badger treats (for them, not you).

Think you have what it takes to wrangle the fiercest furballs in Absalom? Then apply today by leaving a badger paw print at the Tri-Stripe Society headquarters! No references needed—just bring your best badger impression!

P.S.: Armor may be provided upon request, depending on the badger mood forecast.